Full Metal Hina
by Baretta RETIRED SINCE JUNE06
Summary: This is not the Full Metal you are thinking of! It IS a crossover, though! WARNING WARNING WARNING! THERE IS MORE SWEARING IN HERE THAN ANY OTHER FIC! DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU ARE NOT OFFENDED BY A LOT OF SWEARING!


Disclaimer I do not own Love Hina, nor Full Metal Jacket.

WARNING! THIS FIC HAS A TONNE OF SWEARING IN IT! YOU MAY GET OFFENDED! SO MUCH THAT I THINK I SHOULD POST IT SOMEWHERE ELSE! HOWEVER, IT IS FUNNY!

FULL METAL HINA

This is a small thing I did, well, just then.

This is a crossover between Love Hina and...

Not Full Metal Alchemist.  
Not Full Metal Panic.

But...

FULL METAL JACKET!  
It is the first scene's script rewritten so that it is Keitaro and the girls doing it.

Without further adue, this is it.

* * *

KEY: 

Shinobu is Private Pussy.  
Motoko is Private Milkdud.  
Kitsune is Private Boozer.  
Su is Private Dumbass.  
Naru is Private Booger.

* * *

The Hinata girls stand in a line in the living room.. 

Kanrinrin URASHIMA walks along the  
line of blank-faced girls.

URASHIMA

I am Kanrinrin Urashima, your Dormitory  
Manager. From now on, you will speak  
only when spoken to, and the first and last  
words out of your filthy sewers will be "Sir!"  
Do you maggots understand that?

GIRLS  
(in unison)

Sir, yes, sir!

URASHIMA  
Bullshit! I can't hear you. Sound off like you  
got a pair.

GIRLS  
(louder)  
Sir, yes, sir!

URASHIMAIf you ladies leave my dormitory, if you survive  
recruit training ... you will be a woman, you  
will be a minister of the house, praying for work.  
But until that day you are pukes! You're the  
lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even  
human fucking beings!

You are nothing but unorganized grabasstic  
pieces of amphibian shit!  
Because I am hard, you will not like me. But  
the more you hate me, the more you will  
learn. I am hard, but I am fair! There is no  
social bigotry here! I do not look down on  
nerds, lesbians, pussys or boozers. Here you  
are all equally worthless! And my orders are  
to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack  
the gear to serve in my beloved Inn! Do  
you maggots understand that?

GIRLS  
(in unison)  
Sir, yes, sir!

URASHIMA  
Bullshit! I can't hear you!

GIRLS

(louder)  
Sir, yes, sir!

URASHIMA stops in front of a short, blue haired girl,  
Private PUSSY.

URASHIMA  
What's your name, scumbag?

PUSSY  
(shouting)  
Sir, Maehara Shinobu, sir!

URASHIMA  
Bullshit! From now on you're Private  
Pussy! Do you like that name?

PUSSY  
(shouting)  
Sir, yes, sir!

URASHIMA

Well, there's one thing that you won't like,  
Private Pussy! They don't serve fried  
rice and watermelon on a daily basis in  
my mess hall!

PUSSY  
Sir, yes, sir!

BOOZER

(whispering)  
Is that you, Musashi? Is this me?

URASHIMA

Who said that? Who the fuck said that? Who'sthe slimy little communist shit twinkle-toed  
cocksucker down here, who just signed his  
own death warrant? Nobody, huh! The fairy  
fucking godmother said it! Out-fucking-  
standing! I will screw you all until you fucking  
die! I'll screw you until your assholes are  
sucking buttermilk!

URASHIMA grabs MILKDUD by the shirt.

URASHIMA  
Was it you, you scroungy fuck, huh, Milkdud!

MILKDUD  
Sir, no, sir!

URASHIMA  
You piece of shit! You look like a fucking  
worm! I'll bet it was you!

MILKDUD  
Sir, no, sir!

BOOZER  
Sir, I said it, sir!

URASHIMA steps up to BOOZER.

URASHIMA  
Well ...no shit. What have we got here, a  
fucking drunkard? Private Boozer? I admire  
your honesty. Hell, I like you. You can come  
over to my house and fuck my sister. (wtf?)

URASHIMA punches BOOZER in the  
stomach. BOOZER sags to her knees.

URASHIMAYou scumbag! I've got your name! I've  
got your ass! You will not laugh! You will not  
cry! You will learn by the numbers I will  
teach you. Now get up! Get on your feet! You  
had best unfuck yourself or I will unscrew  
your head and shit down your neck!

BOOZER

Sir, yes, sir!

URASHIMA  
Private Boozer, why did you join my beloved  
Inn?

BOOZER  
Sir, to live, sir!

URASHIMA  
So you're a lively son of a bitch!

BOOZER  
Sir, yes, sir!

URASHIMA  
Let me see your war face!

BOOZER  
Sir?

URASHIMA  
You've got a war face? Aaaaaaaagh! That's a  
war face. Now let me see your war face!

BOOZER  
Aaaaaaaagh!

URASHIMA  
Bullshit! You didn't convince me! Let me see  
your real war face!

BOOZER  
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!

URASHIMA  
You didn't scare me! Work on it!

BOOZER  
Sir, yes, sir!

URASHIMA speaks into DUMBASS's face.

URASHIMA  
What's your excuse?

DUMBASS  
Sir, excuse for what, sir?

URASHIMA  
I'm asking the fucking questions here,  
Dumbass! Do you understand!

DUMBASS  
Sir, yes, sir!

URASHIMA  
Well thank you very much! Can I be in charge  
for a while?

DUMBASS  
Sir, yes, sir!

URASHIMA  
Are you shook up? Are you nervous?

DUMBASS  
Sir, I am, sir!

URASHIMA  
Do I make you nervous?

DUMBASS  
Sir!

URASHIMA  
Sir, what? Were you about to call me an  
asshole!

DUMBASS  
Sir, no, sir!

URASHIMA  
How tall are you, Private?

DUMBASS  
Sir, five foot one, sir!

URASHIMA  
Five foot one? I didn't know they stacked shit  
that high! You trying to squeeze an inch in on  
me somewhere, huh?

DUMBASS  
Sir, no, sir.

URASHIMA  
Bullshit! It looks to me like the best part of  
you ran down the crack of your mama's ass  
and ended up as a brown stain on the  
mattress! I think you've been cheated!

DUMBASS pouts.

URASHIMA  
Where in hell are you from anyway, Private?

DUMBASS  
Sir, Mol Mol, sir!

URASHIMA  
Holy dogshit! Mol Mol! Only steers and queers  
come from Mol Mol, Private Dumbass! And you  
don't look much like a steer to me, so that  
kinda narrows it down! Do you eat cunt?

DUMBASS  
Sir, no, sir!

URASHIMA  
Are you a clam-licker?

DUMBASS  
Sir, no, sir!

URASHIMA  
I'll bet you're the kind of girl that would fuck  
a person in the ass with a dildo and not even have the  
goddam common courtesy to give them a reach-  
around! I'll be watching you!

URASHIMA walks down the line to another  
recruit, a meduim height, red haired girl.

URASHIMA  
Did your parents have any children that lived?

BOOGER  
Sir, yes, sir!

URASHIMA  
I'll bet they regret that! You're so ugly you  
could be a modern art masterpiece! What's  
your name, fatbody?

BOOGER  
Sir, Narusegawa Naru, sir!

URASHIMA  
Narusegawa? Narusegawa, what, of Kansai?

BOOGER  
Sir, no, sir!

URASHIMA  
That name sounds like royalty! Are you  
royalty?

BOOGER  
Sir, no, sir!

URASHIMA  
Do you eat cunt?

BOOGER  
Sir, no, sir!

URASHIMA  
Bullshit! I'll bet you could suck a golf ball  
through a garden hose!

BOOGER  
Sir, no, sir!

URASHIMA  
I don't like the name Narusegawa! Only faggots  
and sailors are called Narusegawa! From now on  
you're Private Booger!

BOOGER  
Sir, yes, sir!

BOOGER has the trace of a strange smile on her face.

URASHIMA  
Do you think I'm cute, Private Booger? Do you  
think I'm funny?

BOOGER  
Sir, no, sir!

URASHIMA  
Then wipe that disgusting grin off your face!

BOOGER  
Sir, yes, sir!

URASHIMA  
Well, any fucking time, sweetheart!

BOOGER

Sir, I'm trying, sir.

URASHIMA  
Private Booger, I'm gonna give you three  
seconds--excactly three fucking seconds--to  
wipe that stupid-looking grin off your face, or  
I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-fuck  
you! One! Two! Three!

BOOGER purses her lips but continues to smile involuntarily.

BOOGER  
Sir, I can't help it, sir!

URASHIMA  
Bullshit! Get on your knees, scumbag!

BOOGER gets down on her knees.

URASHIMA

Now choke yourself!

BOOGER places her hands around her throat as if to choke herself.

URASHIMA  
Goddamn it, with my hand, numbnuts!

BOOGER reaches for URASHIMA's hand. URASHIMA jerks  
it away.

URASHIMA  
Don't pull my fucking hand over there! I said  
choke yourself! Now lean forward and choke  
yourself!

BOOGER leans forward so that her neck rests in  
URASHIMA's open hand.

URASHIMA chokes BOOGER.

BOOGER gags and starts to turn red in the face.

URASHIMA

Are you through grinning?

BOOGER  
(barely able to speak)  
Sir, yes, sir!

URASHIMA  
Bullshit! I can't hear you!

BOOGER  
(gasping)  
Sir, yes, sir!

URASHIMA  
Bullshit! I still can't hear you! Sound off like  
you got a pair!

BOOGER  
(gagging)  
Sir, yes, sir!

URASHIMA  
That's enough! Get on your feet!

URASHIMA releases BOOGER's throat. BOOGER gets to her feet,  
breathing heavily.

URASHIMA

Private Booger, you had best square your ass  
away and start shitting me Tiffany cuff links  
... or I will definitely fuck you up!

BOOGER  
Sir, yes, sir!

The end.

This was inspired by Full Metal Jacket, Love Hina, and Love Hina, Evil Edition.

Baretta


End file.
